Sometimes we need something tangible to help us understand what holding a resentment is doing to us. We may not be aware of how destructive resentments actually are. We think, "So what, I have a right to be angry," or, "I might be nursing a grudge or two, but I don't see the harm."

To see more clearly the effect that holding resentments is having in our lives, we might try imagining that we are carrying a rock for each resentment. A small grudge, such as anger at someone driving badly, might be represented by a pebble. Harboring ill will toward an entire group of people might be represented by a enormous boulder. If we actually had to carry stones for each resentment, we would surely tire of the weight. In fact, the more cumbersome our burden, the more sincere our efforts to unload it would be.

The weight of our resentments hinders our spiritual development. If we truly desire freedom, we will seek to rid ourselves of as much extra weight as possible. As we lighten up, we'll notice an increased ability to forgive our fellow human beings for their mistakes, and to forgive ourselves for our own. Well nourish our spirits with good thoughts, kind words, and service to others.

By working Steps Four through Eight, we confront the person who's kept our lives in turmoil: "Oh no, it's me!" In this rigorous process, we face our disease and our humanity. We unpack and pick apart lifelong grudges and current resentments against people who hurt, judged, and rejected us. Often, we're shocked to learn we had a significant part to play. Engaging fully in the recovery process gives us a more realistic awareness of our flaws and limitations. We see a connection between our acting out and our very human need for safety, love, and acceptance. We learn that a lack of empathy for our own missteps has driven our judgments of others. Our capacity to forgive is inseparable from our capacity for empathy.

In the Ninth Step, we strive to make peace with our own humanness. We expose our imperfections to those we've hurt. In an attempt to right our past wrongs, we humbly apologize. We change our behavior so we won't repeat past errors. We're often—but certainly not always—forgiven for the harm we've caused. This process offers us a striking lesson in empathy.

Acknowledging and accepting our own imperfections is key to accepting imperfections in others. We forgive ourselves for the times we let self-centered fear guide our actions.

Instead of judging others for similar impulses, we can choose to forgive them, actively seeking to accept them as they are.

Experiencing others' judgment and rejection—both in everyday life and when our attempt at making amends is rebuffed—increases our capacity to feel empathy and to forgive others. Our own pain becomes a source of strength, and we can draw from the well of self- acceptance we've created through our experience with the Steps.