When others approve of what we do or say, we feel good; when they disapprove, we feel bad. Their opinions of us, and how those opinions make us feel, can have positive value. By making us feel good about steering a straight course, they encourage us to continue doing so. "People-pleasing" is something else entirely. We "people-please" when we do things, right or wrong, solely to gain another person's approval.

Low self-esteem can make us think we need someone else's approval to feel okay about ourselves. We do whatever we think it will take to make them tell us we're okay We feel good for awhile. Then we start hurting. In trying to please another person, we've diminished ourselves and our values. We realize that the approval of others will not fill the emptiness inside us.

The inner satisfaction we seek can be found in doing the right things for the right reasons. We break the people-pleasing cycle when we stop acting merely to gain others' approval and start acting on our Higher Power's will for us. When we do, we may be pleasantly surprised to find that the people who really count in our lives will approve all the more of our behavior. Most importantly, though, we will approve of ourselves.

A lot of us have had a hopeless moment when we are going through something difficult, and a fellow recovering addict shares their opinion that "feelings aren't facts"—and we want to chop their head off. Perhaps more helpful—and hopeful—is this fact: Feelings are real and one thing we learn in NA is that we can feel them and survive them. We do so not merely by grasping onto hope that they'll change soon, but by taking actions in spite of them. As one addict rhymed, we "feel, deal, and heal."

We deal by engaging the familiar NA footwork: going to meetings, sharing the feelings, and listening for solutions; doing stepwork around an issue, such as our resistance to change; praying and meditating; and focusing on others, not just our own strife. And of course, there's the footwork that's specific to our particular situation. Loss of employment, for instance, requires footwork to replace it. A mental health issue might warrant an appointment with a professional. We retake a course we failed or initiate lifestyle changes to improve our health. We end a marriage. We certainly aren't guaranteed a pain-free life in recovery, and sometimes the footwork is painful, too. Hope is a bridge to relief.

A fresh perspective, especially when infused with gratitude and hope, helps us heal. When we lose that job, many of us will go down the road of fear and self-pity. Taking a moment to shift our perspective to one of gratitude (I have come so far) and hope (There are other opportunities out there for me)—and faith, too (I'll be okay no matter what)—won't deny us our very real feelings. Instead, perspective keeps reasonable feelings of sadness and fear from morphing into abject despair or outsized anxiety. We don't wait until the fear has gone, or the stress or anger or sorrow, before we get back on the path. The feelings might still linger, but we're moving, letting change happen, even taking risks. We're healing.