Many of us find that our old ways of thinking were dominated by fear. We were afraid that we wouldn't be able to get our drugs or that there wouldn't be enough. We feared discovery, arrest, and incarceration. Further down the list were fears of financial problems, homelessness, overdose, and illness. And our fear controlled our actions.

The early days of recovery weren't a great deal different for many of us; then, too, fear dominated our thinking. "What if staying clean hurts too much?" we asked ourselves. "What if I can't make it? What if the people in NA don't like me? What if NA doesn't work?" The fear behind these thoughts can still control our behavior, keeping us from taking the risks necessary to stay clean and grow. It may seem easier to resign ourselves to certain failure, giving up before we start, than to risk everything on a slim hope. But that kind of thinking leads only to relapse.

To stay clean, we must find the willingness to change our old ways of thinking. What has worked for other addicts can work for us

but we must be willing to try it. We must trade in our old cynical doubts for new affirmations of hope. When we do, we'll find it's worth the risk.

Outside NA, in our specific cultures or neighborhoods, respect was often something we demanded of others or felt we were entitled to based on our status in the community or our egos. Our communication around respect had one purpose: getting our own way. What mattered was how superbly articulate we were about our beliefs, our willingness to go to battle for every one of our opinions, and the sheer loudness of our voice. And if we weren't among those with status or volume, we usually gave in to their demands.

Inside NA, practicing respect as a spiritual principle has nothing to do with getting our own way or handing over our power to those who command it. Regarding others with respect includes paying attention to how we are communicating—with our voice, facial expressions, body language, or our silence—and then honestly examining how people hear and respond to us. "If I approach another member with my claws out," one member shared, "I shouldn't be surprised if they react by slashing back."

Ideally, practicing respect results in more inclusivity of opinions and more equality in participation. Communicating our respect prioritizes listening over speaking, our common welfare over selfishness. We try to make space for others rather than cutting them out. In NA, respect breeds trust, safety, and well-being—not fear, fragility, and oversized egos.

This perspective takes plenty of work—and plenty of unlearning. For one thing, we must work against our own feelings of superiority, inferiority, or indifference. A member who's been around for a while described their experience: "Working the NA Steps has made my own beliefs less fragile. I don't have to defend them as fiercely as I did before. And I don't have to express my opinion about everything." Just because someone else's or the group's opinion is different from ours doesn't mean they're wrong. And if they are wrong, is this a battle that must be fought, or can we make peace and be part of a solution?