For many addicts, rebelliousness is second nature. We didn't want to depend on anyone or anything, and especially not on God. The beauty of using, we thought, was that it gave us the power to be and feel anything we wanted, all by ourselves. But the price we paid for this illusory freedom was a dependence beyond our worst nightmares. Rather than freeing us, using enslaved us.

When we came to Narcotics Anonymous, we learned that dependence on God didn't have to mean what we may have thought it meant. Yes, if we wanted to be restored to sanity, we would need to tap "a Power greater than ourselves". However, we could choose our own concept of this Higher Power-we could even make one up. Dependence on a Higher Power would not limit us, we discovered; it would free us.

The Power we find in recovery is the power we lacked on our own. It is the love we were afraid to depend on others for. It is the sense of personal direction we never had, the guidance we couldn't humble ourselves to ask for or trust others to give. It is all these things, and it is our own. Today, we are grateful to have a Higher Power to depend on.

Addicts arrive in—or return to—NA with our lives in turmoil and out of balance. Our health is in the toilet. Mentally, we are all over the map. Spiritually, we are in a blackout.

Though we may not all be at the same degree of chaos, no one bounds happily through the door of their first NA meeting—or our first one after a relapse—feeling stable and whole. We stagger or slink or sidle in. We come to NA after a brush with the law and sometimes while incarcerated. We're pushed in by family or rehab or dragged in by an NA member we used to get high with—or stayed clean with. There's some truth in the familiar wisecrack, "We are some sick puppies!"

Since our journeys in recovery most often begin with the elimination of substances, our health often improves first. Our minds dip back into friendly territory, though the visits may not be as long as we'd like. Through attending meetings, working Steps, and building relationships with other members, we begin to awaken spiritually. Not all of us label it that way, or maybe we don't have words for it, but something inside of us is shifting. Outside of us, our behavior is definitely shifting. By taking commitments, showing up for others, acting "right," we stay clean.

Whether we believe this is the work of a loving Higher Power or we're doing it because our sponsor told us to (because it's "spiritual"), our inner chaos lessens, and our outward stability increases. The lights come on, and they aren't so easily extinguished by the wind and rain that keep coming at us—because that's life.