At our first meeting, we may have been taken aback at the way members shared about how the disease of addiction had affected their lives. We thought to ourselves, "Disease? I've just got a drug problem! What in the world are they talking about?"

After some time in the program, we began to see that our addiction ran deeper than our obsessive, compulsive drug use. We saw that we suffered from a chronic illness that affected many areas of our lives. We didn't know where we'd "caught" this disease, but in examining ourselves we realized that it had been present in us for many years.

Just as the disease of addiction affects every area of our lives, so does the NA program. We attend our first meeting with all the symptoms present: the spiritual void, the emotional agony, the powerlessness, the unmanageability.

Treating our illness involves much more than mere abstinence. We use the Twelve Steps, and though they don't "cure" our illness, they do begin to heal us. And as we recover, we experience the gift of life.

We reserve a place for relapse when we keep a mental list of reasons that might justify using. We can tell they're a problem because we defend and protect them. Our reservations reveal our doubts. Can we stay clean through the death of someone close, a breakup, a job loss, or any major life change?

As we watch other members walk through significant hardships and stay clean, we think maybe we could do the same. Seeing others choose to use when faced with unfortunate circumstances makes us wonder if they had held onto their reservations. We want to continue to recover, so we do our best to root out and surrender our reservations.

As we stay clean, we may find some reservations still lingering. The truth is that we can't predict what challenges will arise. We never know what's going to happen or how we'll feel about it. This is a program for living, and challenges are bound to arise.

Surrender is just as crucial with some cleantime as when we were new. Eventually, we understand the value of surrendering our reservations to the best of our ability, and then surrendering some more when new issues come to the surface. Ongoing surrender gives us the best shot at recovering from this disease. We come to a place where we understand that no matter what experiences life may bring, none of them would improve if we were to use again.